The fear of the LORD teaches a man wisdom, and humility comes before honor. To man belong the plans of the heart, but from the LORD comes the reply of the tongue.

>> Proverbs  15:33-16:01 <<

Lesson

A lesson too hard to learn? Never. It might take time. It might take a lot of failures. It might cause a lot of pains. But it definitely takes more than one man to learn. By totally relying on the one and only God, we will sing victory over sin and glory to God.

Big picture and little details

The other day I saw a photographer taking macro photo of flowers by the road side. It reminds me of the photos that I have seen taken of nature. They are basically in two categories. One is the macro photos and the other is the view of something big like the sunset, and stuff.

I found both really beautiful and relaxing to look at. Through the macro photos we see the beauty hidden in the little details, which we may not always notice. From the bigger picture, we see the awesomeness when little details come together.

In our life, sometimes we see the beauty of the little details but we forget what it means when the small things work together. Other time we admire the result of the working together of small things, but we forget to appreciate each of the small things.

We enjoy in some events that happen in our life, and we suffer through the others. However, when we look back, when we see the bigger picture, when we see how those incidents work together to shape ourselves, then we realise how beautiful it is.

God has created this world with atoms, but when they work together, they form creatures with different functions, with different looks, with different purposes. This world is beautiful both from the macro view and the scenery view.

Cloudy with a chance of meatballs 2

This is one of the movies I watched when I was on the long flight today. I especially touched by the scene when the food-animals all came together, recognising their 'creator'. Though it's a lot related to heroism, where a very common and unspecial person becoming a hero to the whole ecosystem.

When I replayed the scene again in my mind, what touched me even more is that, they actually recognised their creator. Not just acknowledging the machine which made them, but they knew the creator behind it. However, human do not know and do not recognise the creator when He came. People see that our parents are the cause we exist, but they forget about the almighty creator behind the whole picture, behind the whole story.

How awesome!

What more can I ask? How better can I expect? Other than what He has planned for me, even without I requesting...

He always put someone important in my life at the exactly right timing when I need them.

Twice, I have experienced this. When I'm trying to solve problem with my own ways, He put KW and Josh who had went through the same problem, close to me, to share their experience, to help me go through and for friendship.

That's how You are helping me. My struggle, my desire, You teach me to handle through people who have gone through the same thing. You know I'm stubborn, I don't listen to people who just tell me the way but never really undergoing the same thing. I need someone who can feel it for me to feel comforted, to know I can trust him with my feeling.

How amazing, out of all these people You bring me close to them.

PS. How good is He to me that He didn't push me to deal with all problems at a time but instead, one by one?

Serving because of need and love

This is not intended to provide theological teaching, just a merely insight on my own situation. This probably differs from people to people and situation to situation.

Serve because it's needed?
Serve because you love, not because it's needed?

Which one do you think you are?

This comes into my mind when I was talking a solitary walk tonight.
As we know, we serve not because God need us, but because we need.

When I serve in particular area because nobody do it, I don't really feel the happiness from serving. But when I serve because I love God, I love the church, and see what I can do, I'm joyful, in happy.

This is actually comparable to what you do to your lover. You do things for lover not necessarily because it's needed, but because you want to show your love. That's basically same analogy about serving God,  serving church, serving people.

开心的鱼

常跟人说，我少吃鱼，就容易生病
也告诉人，我吃了鱼，就会开心

今天吃了鱼，心情开朗了些。

谷歌了一下，发现原来是有道理的。吃鱼真的可以让人开心。
难怪，前一阵子挺忧郁的。
只是不知道，为什么在我身上会有这么明显的作用呢？ 

http://www.3fatchicks.com/increase-serotonin-levels-with-fish-oil-supplements/

另一种的睹物思人 Things reminded me of past

今天，有个朋友心情不好。虽然他没向我诉苦，不过他也告诉了我什么事。他不想多说，也不想再提。

There's a friend who's not in a good mood today. Although he told me what happened, he didn't want to say much.

他的事，让我想起一年前的这段时间，我在忙着申请奖学金，忙着着急等待奖学金的成绩，忙着被拒绝，忙着担心拿不到奖学金差点要放弃来牛津。

What happened reminded me of a year ago, when I was busy applying for scholarship, busy worrying about the result of scholarship, busy being rejected, busy worrying about not getting scholarship and have to give up on coming to Oxford.

还记得当时发了好多的电邮，给各个不同的大学、组织、公司。没一个给我机会，没面试就被拒绝了。有面试的，过了不久都被拒绝了。几乎马来西亚每间大学都收到我的电邮。也发了给不少公司，甚至发了给新加坡的公司。完全没有丝毫的可能性。

I still remember I sent so many emails to different universities, organisations and companies but none had given an opportunity, even without interviewing. Even for those with interview, I was rejected not long after. Almost every Malaysian universities received my email. I had also sent it to a lot of companies, even to companies in Singapore. But none, has shown any possibility.

要延续之前拿着的奖学金，却又还没公开，不让我申请。拖了又拖，就拖到了我需要向college呈上经济来源的截止日期了。当时才终于可以申请，还没面试呢！好不容易和college拖了多一阵子，还是等不到申请奖学金的outcome。还好，college肯在最后的截止日期过后的一个星期接受我所呈上的经济来源证明。虽然在呈上的过程中也遇到了很多挫折，需要我一直来回向牛津大学和奖学金的负责人发电邮。

Thought of extending the scholarship that funded me for my undergraduate, but the application was not opened yet. I have waited for so long until the date I need to submit to my college documents regarding my financial source. Finally it was opened for application. That's not saying about interview yet. I tried to procrastinate with my college, but still the result of the scholarship was even slower. Thank God that my college still accepted the documents on financial source even it was one week after the deadline. Though there were some problems during submission, that I needed to keep exchanging emails between Oxford University and scholarship provider, even on the bus travelling around.

还没完呢！等着ATAS，奖学金的financial affidavit，department说再迟些就要迟一个学期register了。但是奖学金方面又不让我迟一个学期。只好一直赶着。最后在要出发的一个星期才确定机票，拿到visa，作身体检查。为了这些，最后那半年也只回了家一个星期。

That's not all! When I was waiting for ATAS and financial affidavit from scholarship provider, the department said I need to delay my registration for one term if I need more time to reach here. However my scholarship provider doesn't allow me to delay for a term, so I just have to rush for everything. I only confirmed my flight ticket in the last week, got the visa, did my body check. To do all these, I was only able to go home for a week in that six months before I came to Oxford.

上飞机前，行李超重，要再调整才能登记。等飞机的时候，以为可以好好慢慢的等了，结果槟城下吉隆坡的飞机延迟了。上了机，飞机有问题，要下机。等到下一班机，终于可以下吉隆坡。下了机，就直接冲向国际候机室。下机不到十分钟就要上机了。

Before getting on the flight, my luggage was overweight, so I need to adjust before checking in. When I was waiting for boarding, I thought I could just wait comfortably. But then the flight from Penang to KL was delayed. When I got on flight, there was problem with the flight. Finally I reached KL on the next flight. After getting off flight, I went straight to the international boarding hall. It was less than 10 minutes before I got on the next flight.

坐了十三个小时的飞机，到了伦敦，结果我的行李没到。还好我的背包里还有一些衣物。等了两天我的行李终于到了。过后才稍微比较顺利。

After 13 hours of flight, I finally got to London. But not my luggage. It was not too bad, because of the overweight issue, I had some clothes in my bag. My luggage finally arrived after 2 days. After this things finally get smoother.

见老板第二次，就被老板说对我失望。那句话真的是很伤。可是没办法，就努力吧。当时又没和任何人相熟，没人聊，只能自己想办法开解自己。

On the second meeting with my supervisor, he said he is disappointed. It hurts but there's nothing I could do. I could just work harder. I wasn't really close to anyone at that time, nobody to talk to, so I could just comfort myself.

虽然只是来了这里不到一年，辛苦的开始，未必不是一件好事。学会面对拒绝，学会被否定。好像很多的不顺利，可是感谢神还是让我遇到了可以谈心的朋友。至少，在我需要的时候，我有个信任的朋友可以谈。

Although I'm here for less than one year, a though beginning may not be too bad. Learn to face rejection, learn to be denied. It seems to be a lot of troubles but thank God that I'm able to meet someone I can talk to. Someone whom I can trust.

Special, Strange but Great

Today, I have a weird and funny experience.

I was not in a mood of doing anything or staying in the room this afternoon. So I walked to nowhere in Oxford.

When I was walking along the street opposite to Christ Church College, at one of the bus stop, an old man smile slightly to me and I returned the smile out of politeness. Then he started to speak to me, asking me whether I'm a Malaysian or Singaporean. I had no idea and still not about how he recognised that. I suppose Malaysian/Singaporean have a special feature in outlook. Then he started to ask questions and me answering. He is a visiting fellow from Singapore for a week. I felt he is having homesick, really homesick when he said he wanted to go back to Singapore earlier before the planned journey.

That's a total stranger start talking on the street. That's really a new experience. Anyway, it's more than that. I was really feeling bad and wanted to talk to either someone really close or someone totally strange. But 'someone really close' is nowhere to be found at the moment. Thank God for somehow cure me a bit. I have no idea how this happens and no idea what has happened but I felt better after the talking.

Something from Supernatural

Supernatural s8e14,

Sam-to-Kevin: "This 'saving the world' thing is marathon, not sprint. Take better care of yourself."

I'll say to myself, DPhil is marathon, not sprint, take good care of myself and have life! =D

New insight

Just have a new insight today.

People always say pray for the wisdom to say 'no' to some people if you yourself is too busy to help.
Today something comes into my mind. If I don't want to say 'no' and I want to help them but I'm too busy, am I going to pray for the wisdom to say 'no'?

I'll prefer to pray for the wisdom to finish my thing in a shorter time so that I have more time for others. I'll prefer to pray for the wisdom to be able to help them and to have time for my own.

Anyway, I'm not saying that praying for the wisdom to say 'no' is wrong. It's perfectly alright. If you really want to say 'no' but you don't know how to do it nicely, pray for it. If you don't want to say 'no', then there is no point pray for the wisdom to say 'no'.

Pray for the wisdom to decide.

Cheers =D

Something just emerges from having gastric pain

There are some pain that you want it to go away, but it won't. You need to accept the presence of the pain, learn to live with the pain, only then the pain will go away.

The pain is there for you to learn something, not to just go away.

Doing ... Thinking

I'm good at doing, but not thinking enough.

I know how to do, I do fast, I do much.
But I have let 'doing' to enhance more than thinking.

REMEMBER, to think more, to think much more than what I see, more than what I read.

do 'thinking' more than do 'doing'~

Doubt

Did I do the right thing? Did I make the right choice? I know I'm not that good, but using the word disappointed..ya, I suppose I would use it on myself as well. Tensed for being expected high.

Time is real tight for me to do everythg so that shall mean I should be used to the place, to the environment, to the time zone, to the culture, in no time. And start with everythg right away. There is no time tolerance for me. Well, I guess I didn't really prepared my mind well enough before I came. I guess I'm a slow fast learner.

Always, there's some pains before I can actually gain..

it's time...

到牛津5天了，看着Bones第八季的第五集时，看到这段

You've been great, but I think we both know it's time I face the world on my own.

突然觉得好像那天我从建伟家出来，要飞来英国时的感受… 虽然人是在牛津，但是还是缺乏那份的真实感。昨晚还梦见我在马来西亚，买不到机票，不能飞了。醒来后才想到自己已经是在牛津了。不知那是一份的失落感还是什么…也许，是还没机会去和人交流。等星期六吧，等下星期吧。

还是要对自己说，it's time I face the world on my own. 当然，还有上帝在陪我，周围再怎么的不顺利，再怎么的不熟悉，神的话我还是熟悉，祂的带领还是最可以依赖的…

NOW

Now there is only one thing that I can do--wait
He knows the time is near
He  knows I am anxious
but He calms me down
He reassures me with Himself

This is not the only positive reply
but others have failed, this is more promising
He asks me to be patient
to wait for His time to come,  His will be done

21/7

从Camp Cameron回来的路上，在巴士站等转巴士的期间，看到了一件不知要怎样去回应的事。

那天，我买了车票后，就找个地方放行李，等巴士。突然，听见后面传来骂人的声音。转过头，看到一个人在对着另一个人骂。原本没什么在意。骂人嘛，不少见。突然，看到骂人的人刮了另一人一巴掌。说实话，是有点吓到。我就开始专注一点听，看是什么事。那人又继续骂了两句，又连续刮了另一人两巴掌，把那人的墨镜刮飞了。过后骂人的人就走了。

那骂人的人是巴士票售票员。照我所听见的，应该是那个被骂的人去问了巴士票价后，不知是沟通问题还是售票员手脚太快，就打印了巴士票出来。但是那个人已经向另一家巴士公司买了车票。那售票员不甘心亏了钱，就来找那人算账。

在我脑海里浮现的是：那售票员是因何如此行？那被骂的人，又有什么的感受？被骂的人没有回嘴，也没有表现什么。依种族而言，售票员是马来人（三十多岁），被骂的人是年轻（十多岁）印度人。这，对当事人行动时的顾虑有什么影响，又对周遭看到的人有什么冲击？

On the way back from Camp Cameron, I saw this incident that I don't know how to respond to when I was waiting for bus at bus terminal.

That day, after I bought my bus ticket, I found a place to put my luggage while waiting for the bus. Out of a sudden, Ｉheard the sound of someone scolding from behind. I turned my head, and saw this man shouting at the other man. At first, I felt indifferent since this is not a rare case. But suddenly, the shouting man slapped the other man. Honestly, I was in shock. So I started to listen, see if I can get any clue of what's happening. The man scolded again before he slapped the other man twice. The man's sunglasses flew. Then the shouting man left the place.

The shouting man is a bus ticket salesman. According to my understanding from what I heard, the man, who is being scolded, asked the price of the bus ticket. Not sure if it was because of communication error or the salesman acted too fast, the bus ticket was printed out. But the man already bought a bus ticket from another company. The salesman felt cheated and so looked for an argue with the man.

The things that comes into my mind are: Why did the salesman do that? The one being scolded, how did he feel? He did not shouted back to the man and neither did he respond. Regarding races, the salesman is a Malay in his thirty, and the one being scolded is a young Indian in his teen. This, however, incurred anything when the persons involved take actions? And, what impact did this give to the audience?

最后的系聚会

昨天，11/6，考完了四年大学生涯的最后一张试卷
接下来，和系友们就只剩下FYP的viva了

5:30pm过后，大家就启程去紫薇园吃芋头鱼肉火炭锅
过后，看戏，再加第二round
过了将近九个钟头，终于回到家了

大家都有点舍不得
最后一次的一起出动
虽然有些不能出席的
也许没有下次，也许下次在毕业典礼那段时间吧

有机会做了四年的系友
接下来，工作的工作，升学的升学
不同的路，却在起点的时候遇见了
在槟城的人，还是不难见到彼此，但也不会像以前一样
不在槟城的几个，就更难见到了
四年的友谊，没有太深，却也不是点头之交
有摩擦，有合作
同样的回忆，却会有不一样的延续

也许，下次的再会，除了毕业典礼，就应该是谁谁谁的婚礼了…
希望大家都好好加油
愿神在祂的时间里，让你们认识祂
不知我在你们生命中的这几年，会否成为你们更接近神，更有机会认识祂？

PS他们都不可能看到这篇的，但是却想写下，让自己记得，让自己可以回忆

本地 外地

日子一天一天过，限期也一天一天接近
虽然现在学会了以更自在的心情来看待
但是还是要想想自己还有的后路＋机会

现在奖学金越来越难申请到
今天又听到消息，阿公今年只给本地（阿公没钱了？）
想来想去，也不是很懂有什么是有机会的
剩优异学生计划比较有机会
也许，这是祂开给我的唯一一个门呢？

阿公不给国外，让另一个朋友更确定
神关了她的这个门，应该就是安心进去那唯一一个门吧

不管怎样，神带领至今，凭信心走下去
人的尽头是神的开始
更何况，我还有指望
所以，在指望中要喜乐，在患难中要忍耐，祷告要恒切！=D（罗12:12）

Pre－离开

原来，真的到大学四年，最后一个月了
那几次的farewell，终于让我有不舍的心情
舍不得这里的朋友
没有什么机会闲闲地去他们房间聊天
没有什么机会一起去吃宵夜

很想在最后的一个月里面，跟他们一起吃宵夜，聊心事，聊过去，聊未来
原本应该早有的不舍，在farewell过后才开始出现
周围的种种，都不会重来，也不会一样
过去乐过，也痛过
都是值得

一直以为，离开的人会比较少的不舍
因为离开的人，是身边都改变了
而留下的人，却是身边少了人
现在才觉得，离开，是周围都变了，从前的事物不会重来
对现在周围的这些人，想维系，不想改变

如果叫我第三年过后离开，我想，那份不舍会少许多吧
现在，许多东西都不一样了，那份的思念却增加了

也许，会homesick
那个home是这里的
家人，一辈子都是家人，都不会断
朋友，却不知道何时还有机会相聚

还没离开，却开始想念…